Life Update: Did I Quit Weight Watchers?

    Hello everyone and thank you for stopping by for a quick update on what is going on in my life and most importantly why you haven't seen any recent posts.

    First things first: I haven't quit Weight Watchers. I am still in the program, I still very much intend on continuing with the Weekly Weigh In series.  So if you were a fan of that, don't fret.  It has not permanently disappeared. It has, however, been TEMPORARILY set aside.

   For those who don't know my youngest 2 children are a pair of twins that were born very prematurely.  As a result of the premature age at which he was born, my youngest son has Cerebral Palsy (you can read about when I first found out here).  For the most part, he is a VERY healthy and happy kid, so I try not to focus too much on the diagnosis. However, a reality of his condition is that once a year we have a boatload of doctor appointments.  And I mean just a TON.

    Well that time of the year happened over these past two weeks, and it just threw my schedule off.  First I wasn't able to go to my WW meeting (and I subsequently didn't blog), then I was able to attend the meeting but my Internet was out (not an uncommon occurrence). To top it all off this week BOTH of the twins were diagnosed with RSV.

     If you are unfamiliar with RSV consider yourself lucky.  To sum it up it's a really bad cold that can be really dangerous for young kids. Especially those born prematurely.  It isn't uncommon for RSV to develop into pneumonia and require some hospitalization.  So far we have been able to avoid that nonsense (thank God).  Unfortunately, as a precautionary both kids have to stay home from pre-school this entire week. So again I am missing my WW meeting.

     In summary my schedule is a bit of a mess. And I apologize for my absence from the blog, but that's just kind of how this lady rolls.  I still have some future posts planned that are not the WWI series (although I do plan on continuing those as well), I am trying to get those organized and written up. I'm not promising on a posting date, but I can say they will be up sometime in the future.

    Again thank you all for your continued support and understanding.  Also your patience with me during this chaotic time.  I hope to see you next week!

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Weekly Weigh in 6: February Goals and Measurement Update!

    Hello everyone and welcome back to week 6 of my Weekly Weigh-In series!   It's been a pretty eventful week in our house. My daughter caught a nasty virus and was sick with a high fever most of the week.  There was little sleep to be had, and as a result the last two days have been pretty off the rails as far as adhering to the program.   I didn't track, prepared very little meals, and snacked a whole lot (also at random times).

     All of this made me realize just how important a good nights sleep is when trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I don't know about anyone else, but when I am tired I lose all motivation to do... well anything really.  As a parent it can be really challenging to get that full 7-8 hours of sleep in a night. Even when I do manage to get myself into bed before 11 pm, many nights I find myself catching up on social media, watching an episode or two of my favorite show or simply just enjoying the highly sought after moment of silence.  All of which eats into my time actually sleeping.

     So my first goal of February will be to get myself into bed a bit earlier and to be ASLEEP by 11 pm.  This may be a bit of a lofty goal for me, as I am a classic night owl.  But I figured it wouldn't hurt to try out for a month or so and see if it has any positive effect on my motivation and weight loss.

     Second big goal of the month is to move more.  I slacked a bit on the treadmill/walks this past week (mostly due to exhaustion).  My goal last month was to simply get on the treadmill.  I think its time to also put the minimum time of 15 minutes on each session.  I'd like to do longer, but realistically speaking I can get a solid 15 minutes without child or dog interruption (this is training for them too!).

      I'd love to hear what your goals are for the month of February if you have any.  They don't have to be weight loss or health oriented (I too have other goals). Comment below what you would like to achieve and we can help keep each other accountable!

   And as promised, at the beginning of each month I will post the most flattering of selfies and keep you up to date on my measurements.  I'll admit looking at this month's picture I didn't see any change at all.  I wasn't expecting to see much difference, I have a lot of weight to lose and it's only the 1st month.  So imagine my shock when the physical measurements actually reflect my weight loss! It almost made posting the photo and measurements worth it (almost).

Special guest star: Loki the fluffy pup

Measurements:

Bust: 52" (-2")            Bicep: 18" (-1.5")
Waist: 51" (-1")          Thigh: 35" (-1")
Hip: 64" (+0.5")


Starting Weight: 342.4 lbs
Current Weight: 330.8 lbs
Weekly Loss/Gain: -0.6 lbs
Total Loss: -11.6 lbs

Motivational Song of the Week:

Different kind of song this week.  'Avalanche' by Bring Me The Horizon (listen to the song and watch the video here).  Several of my close friends have confided to me that these past weeks have been rather hard for them mentally/emotionally.  Many times it helps me to simply hear that I am not the only one struggling, that I am not alone.  So while this song isn't motivating in the traditional sense, it does help convey the feelings that I sometimes struggle with.  Know that you are not alone in feeling this way.  Also I just really like Bring Me The Horizon.


     Thank you everyone for checking in and your continued support!  I will see all of you next week!
   

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Weekly Weigh In 5: Turning 35 and Finishing the Month Strong!

     I can't believe I am saying this, but I just finished my first full month of Weight Watchers.  Where has the time gone?!  It has been a crazy month indeed.  Just to reflect back this past month included obstacles such as New Years, a crazy stomach flu, starting up this program, and most recently my birthday.

     That's right, your homegirl is now 35 years old. To celebrate my husband took me out to an amazing local restaurant called the Black Sheep Social Club. I didn't hold back - there were duck fat fries with bacon offered, and cupcakes.  For my birthday I gave myself the weekend off the program.  I didn't select the "healthy option", I didn't track, and most of all I didn't regret giving myself two days of freedom.

    When Monday hit, I was back to tracking without a blink.  I recognized my weekend of food festivities may negatively impact my results, but I didn't let that stop me from going back to the plan.  In fact allowing myself that weekend empowered me.  I felt more in control of the choices I made this past week knowing that I had allowed myself to indulge without the usual guilt that follows.

    And holy crap it worked!  This week at weigh in I am down 8.8 pounds!  After last week I was honestly hoping to just not gain again. I went back to my standard of not eating breakfast before weigh in and wearing traditional work out gear.  I still don't know for sure if those had any affect, but I will say this: I'm not wearing jeans to weigh in anymore.

    This weeks 8 pound loss leaves me with a monthly total of 11.0 pounds lost. My original goal for my first month of weight watchers was 8-10 pounds.  I am so happy to have reached my first goal.  I hate to say it, but I am almost optimistic about the rest of my journey!  Calm down kids I said 'almost' optimistic - you won't be seeing any 5 am yoga Instagram motivational posts from me. Ever. I'm far too cynical for motivational yoga pics, and 5 am.


Motivational Song of The Week:

'I Am The Fire' by Halestorm (watch the video and hear the song here).   This not only is one of my favorite songs,  my oldest son Gabe really likes it too. It has a great message about personal strength and Lzzy Hale can pretty much rock any one's face off.

"Am I brave enough?

Am I strong enough?

To follow the desire

That burns from within

To push away my fear

To stand where I'm afraid

I am through with this

Cuz I am more than this

I promise to myself

Alone and no one else

My flame is rising higher"

Measurements:

Starting Weight: 342.4 lbs

Current Weight: 331.4 lbs

Weekly Gain/Loss: -8.8 lbs

Total Lost: 11.0 lbs

    Come back next week where I will discuss my goals for the upcoming month, update my size measurements and post a new somewhat humiliating photo.  Thank you all for stopping by and as always I will see you next week! 

     

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Weekly Weigh In 4: Abject Failure and My New Walking Buddy

     I won't lie to you guys, I really didn't want to write this post at all.  If you read last week's post you know two things.  One: I had the stomach flu, and two: I lost a shit ton of weight due to that flu.  I speculated that I would likely gain some of that weight back as I was fairly dehydrated.  Oh how right I was.

    Because I didn't just gain some of it back.  No. Being the overachiever that I am, I gained ALL of it back and then some.  Where is my gold star?! Ugh. I feel completely defeated.

    So what happened?  To be honest, I am not exactly sure.  I can assume a good portion of the weight was in fact due to re hydration.  The extra weight gained has left me puzzled.  I talked in my meeting about the potential reasons for the extra weight.  I realized that today I did two things outside my normal schedule for weigh in day.

     First I weighed in with different clothes.  Usually I opt for yoga pants and a tee shirt.  Today I am wearing jeans and a light sweater with a tank under it.  While I don't personally believe that the change in outfit should affect the scale so much, there were several women who have reached lifetime that INSISTED an outfit can make a big change.  (For those who don't know lifetime members are people in Weight Watchers that have reached and continue to maintain their goal weight)

     The second thing I did differently this morning was eat breakfast before weighing in.  Again something that other members have said has affected their weigh in results.  Especially if historically you have weighed in before eating (which usually I do).

     Finally, something I realized on my own while reflecting through my tracker is that this past week I have reverted back to some of my less healthy eating habits. Yes, I stayed within my daily and weekly point limits. But several days this week I skipped lunch and afternoon snack, instead having a very large dinner.  I don't know exactly how much that would affect a weigh in, as I did manage to stay on track points wise, but I feel that perhaps it's better to avoid doing that in the future.

     So where does this leave me?  Well almost starting completely over again.  It's frustrating for sure.  I kinda feel like the past two weeks' worth of work has been for nothing.  But I also recognize that the me before this probably would have used this set back as an excuse to quit.  I probably would have let the feelings of failure (shame?) to be an excuse to binge and the guilt of that binge to be the reason why I wouldn't weigh in again.  I'm not going to let myself do that this time around.  I recognize that this journey is going to be me changing my mindset as much as it's going to be me changing my diet and weight.  I can't let these set backs completely derail me from my goal.

     Which is why I am writing this week's post despite all the voices in my head yelling at me to stop and find solace in the cookie dough.

     OK, enough of the pity party. Let's talk about what I was able to accomplish this week.  I am happy to report that I was able to get out for two small walks this week.  Which I know isn't the three that I had originally hoped for, but it is better than the zero I had accomplished before.  So I am calling that a win.  And I have this little guy to thank for the motivation:

     This is our new puppy, Loki.  Loki is a Great Pyrenees, and right now he's about 10 weeks old. He absolutely loves going for walks so whenever the weather clears (recently it's been raining and/or icy) I take him for a little stroll around the block when I need to take him outside.  So far walking on the treadmill has been a bit of a challenge as this little fuzz butt gets a little too excited with the moving bits and attacks it.  I'm hoping that eventually he will get used to it, or I'll have to put him in the crate while I walk.

     That's all I have to report for this week!  Thank you for all the messages of support I have received!  It really does help me stay motivated and on task!  I will see you next week!

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Weekly Weigh 3: Uhhh.. I lost how much?!

"I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

                       

                                                                             - Emily, The Devil Wears Prada

     Damn, it's been a long week.  A long, shitty week.  There's just no sugar coating this weekly weigh in. It's going to be short and blunt because mama needs to get her ass back in bed. 

     Where to begin?  Ok goals.  Did I achieve the goals I set out for myself last week? NO, not a single step was taken on the treadmill.  Instead, our family came down with the stomach flu (yours truly included).   When I wasn't attending to one of my sick children in the bathroom, I was in there myself.  It was a horrible experience and for 3 days I could barely find the energy to stay awake, let alone exercise. 

     Thankfully, it seems to have passed. Solid food oh how I have missed you!  I will simply re-use last week's goals for this upcoming week. 3 times on the treadmill, not counting distance or time, just get on there.  If it would warm up a bit outside, I may even take a walk outside with my new walking buddy (stay tuned for next week's formal introduction).  

     So how did this week end up reflecting on the scale?  Ugh, today was hard guys. I walked in to my meeting, knowing that I was going to be down.  But I wasn't feeling all that proud of it. I mean, I didn't work for it. I didn't even eat!  Plus, despite my best efforts, I could tell that I am still suffering from a bit of dehydration.  Meaning that much of my weight loss likely is just water weight and I might end up gaining it back next week.

     10.8 pounds!  10 fucking pounds I vomited away this week!  Holy shit. Immediately I was warned that this was a dangerous amount of weight to lose in a week. Umm yeah totally unintentional.  This put me not only past my first 5 lbs lost, but also my 10 lbs and 15 lbs marker.  Usually all celebrated in your Weight Watcher meetings.  I wouldn't let them give me my 15 lbs sticker. It was difficult enough standing up for my 5 and 10 lbs stickers knowing that it wasn't through my hard work but rather some chance encounter with a virus that pushed me to that point.  If I keep the weight off next week (when fully re-hydrated) I will celebrate then.


Starting Weight:342.4 lbs
Current Weight: 327.2 lbs
Weekly Gain/Lost: -10.8 lbs
Total Lost: 15.2 lbs

     I'm not kidding when I said I'm now going to bed!  It's going to be warm and there's blankets and pillows and I have no shame... I'm going to bed at 6:30 pm and I'm gonna love it. I survived today and got through my meeting, the kids, and watching after my walking buddy - that deserves an early bedtime!  Mostly I still am worn out from the mess that was this past week.

    I look forward to checking in next week,  hopefully with a better attitude and a fun introduction!  

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Weekly Weigh In 2: Finding Motivation and the Ugly Truth

     Hello all, and welcome to week 2.  I survived the first week!  It really wasn't all that terrible. The first 2 days I was pretty hungry as I usually am conservative with what I eat when starting out. By the end I was eating to my fill and actually finding it difficult to eat all my daily points. In the past I have always been someone who tends to skip meals and over eat in the evening, so a solid 3 a day and snacks seems like a lot of food to me.

     New Years was difficult. I'll fully admit that.  I think it is difficult for everyone trying to lose weight. Drinks can easily throw you off course, and it was my extended family's Christmas get together.  Food and treats were in abundance.  I didn't deny myself anything, but I did make an effort to not eat as much as I had in the past and I made sure to track everything.  That one day cost me the whole set of weekly points.

     So did it pay off?  IT DID. I am happy to announce that today when I weighed in I am down 4.4lbs!  My goal for this month is averaging 1-2 lbs per week, and this has set me well on my way.

     Goals for week 2: can't I just keep on doing what I did in week 1? It worked for getting me down 4 lbs!  But I don't think it's going to help my goal of being able to do more with the kids. So for week 2 I have set the goal to get on the treadmill at least 3 times. No clue how fast or how far I am going to walk, I can worry about endurance another time. Right now I just need to get my ass up.

    Which brings me to my motivational story.  If you have read my previous posts you may remember that my youngest son was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy last January (if you are interested in that post it can be found here).   Part of  his ongoing care is physical therapy twice a week. This was first to help him learn to crawl, stand, walk and most recently to build core strength.  It's been a struggle for him from the beginning, and it may continue to be for the rest of his life. But he is a little fighter, seriously a spitfire who isn't afraid of putting anyone in their place (and often does).

    Well this past Tuesday we got official notice that he has "graduated" out of physical therapy for the next few months! He's discharged until late April - early May where he only needs to go back to be re-evaluated to make sure he's continuing to develop on the correct schedule.  That was the moment where it just clicked for me.  If this little boy can overcome brain damage to walk, there is certainly no excuse I have to not get up and do a simple walk a few times a week.

     OK time for the ugly truth. Last week I promised measurements and a photo.  I won't be posting these every week, I figured once a month would better show my progress. Plus getting this selfie  was a straight up pain in the ass.  In the future I will employ the help of my husband as I am COMPLETELY INEPT in the art of the selfie.  And you know what? I'm proud of that. So this is an extra special ugly "before" picture.  If you use it to make a meme I will hunt you down and cut you!  However, feel free to photoshop my head on Sofia Vergara's body (I'll take that meme).

Hey all check out those sassy shopping carts! Don't look at my arms or my body! TURN AWAY! 

Measurements:

Bust: 54"               Bicep: 19.5"
Waist: 52"             Thigh: 36"
Hip: 63.5"

Starting Weight: 342.4 lbs
Current Weight: 338.0 lbs
Weekly Loss/Gain: -4.4 lbs
Total Loss: -4.4 lbs


     Here is where I must depart and say "I'll see you next week", but I am not going to leave you empty handed. If you have followed me or know me, you know that music is a huge part of my life and I feel is my best form of expression (even if it's not my words being sung).  So each week I'm gonna wrap these posts up with a song that has best summed up my week or has motivated me.

This week's selection is  'Amnesia' by RED SUN RISING.  You can watch the hilarious video here (NSFW due to language).  I chose this for two reasons: 1. RED SUN RISING is quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and 2. I love the message that you just have this one moment, this one chance to make your life what you want it to be.


  See you next week!

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Weight Watchers Week 1: Back On This Again?

     I know what you all are thinking?  "Oh she's back at blogging again? How quaint."  You'd only be half wrong, or half right which ever side of the philosophical glass tickles your fancy.  

     Yes, it is true that I have returned to blogging.  It's been something I have been meaning to get back to for some time now. But you know, kids, life, blah blah blah.  However, I am also returning to another program and that is Weight Watchers.

     OMG shock and appall!  Valerie from A Beauty in the Chaos is fat?!  Yeah. Have been for quite some time. And while it's not something that I am particularly fond of, I don't let it define who I am.

     So what has changed, why start now?  Man, I don't know.  I know the program works for me, I have been successful with it in the past. Usually when I return, I feel confident and excited to start a new regime.  This time I just don't feel that sudden urge of motivation, I'm skeptical of my ability to stick with it.  I just feel like something needs to change, I need to change.  

      I want to be more active with my kids. That's probably the biggest motivation for this change.  A week ago we took our kids to the trampoline park, and I couldn't jump with them.  Not that I didn't want to, or that I didn't feel like it. I couldn't. As in they wouldn't let me. I exceeded the max weight limit. If there is something I hate more than being fat, it's being told "no".

    Forward to now, half way through my first week.  Grumbling and bitching to myself because I started right before New Years.  Which means in addition to the slightly starved feeling I always have the first week of the program (it clears up by the second week when I start making better choices), I also had to limit my drinks and refuse a bunch of delicious food at my family get together.  But, I AM getting through it, and staying on track.

     So, this is it. My lackluster introduction to my new weekly series following my progress!  Of course I will do my best to continue the monthly favorites posts and Pintertest series. I also hope to add in some posts where I review various recipes that I am trying out.  And of course if you have any feedback on something you would like me to try out, feel free to comment with your suggestion below!

     For now, adios!  I will be back on Thursday for my weekly weigh in and let you know the results of my first week.

P.S. Ah fuck I forgot this part of the damn series where I tell you my starting weight and such.

Ok, ok starting weight 342.4lbs.  I will give measurements out next week when I'm feeling a bit braver. You already got my starting weight! DON'T BE GREEDY! :)
   
 
       

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RIP Scott Weiland and Personal Reflections on Music

     I have been going back and forth on whether I wanted to make more personal  posts like this, a good friend of mine (you know who you are babe) has encouraged me to, so here it goes.


    I was laying in bed last night, avoiding sleep by mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and other pages as I too often do.  It was through one of these mindless scrolls that I caught word of Scott Weiland's death.  I can't quite describe how the news affected me.  Shock? No. His struggles with drugs were well publicized.  And while the details of his death have not been revealed (nor do I particularly care), it would be of no great surprise if drugs or the complications of them were involved.  The only word that adequately sums up my feelings is fairly basic. Sadness.  Another man, another inspiration, a voice of my generation had gone to war with his personal demons and lost the battle.

     Death of musicians hit me hard.  I grew up in music.  One of my earliest childhood memories is of sitting on my Dad's amp while he played the guitar.  While other kids my age were discovering the cookie cutter teen dreams of the 80's, my sister and I were raised on the likes of Kansas, Bachman Turner Overdrive, REO Speedwagon, Meat Loaf, and .38 Special.  Music with soul and loud guitars.

     Then came the 90's and I discovered what's commonly referred to as grunge.  It wasn't the sugary sweet pop that my friends were into, nor was it the music of my parents.  This was something entirely new.  It was loud and angry, and sad, and sometimes happy all in one. And God did it speak to me.
   
     Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden... and Scott Weiland with Stone Temple Pilots.  They were able to express my feelings through music far better than I was able to express my own feelings through simple words.  A trend that continues to this day.  Yes, my music tastes have evolved, expanded.  The emotions are much more nuanced and complex covering far more topics than what my simple teenage mind could comprehend.  But one thing remains the same, music quiets the noise, it creates the peace that I so desperately crave.  I throw on a track and for those 3-5 minutes the outside world just fades away.

    It's sad when you discover that someone else was never able to find that peace.  It's jarring, almost disturbing.  It makes you question things. Is the peace finite? Does it run out?  Is there an expiration date on this peace?! Does it matter from where this peace stems?  I know music is my peace, just as painting is someone else's.   Still others find their peace in religion.

   Maybe these are all questions we are never meant to answer.  Perhaps part of maintaining that connection with the quiet is trusting that it will always be there.  Believing that no matter what shit show your life may be handing you today, tomorrow the peace will return.  Or maybe I have just had too much coffee today and my mind is running in circles.

    I guess all I really wanted to say is Scott where ever you may be now,  I hope you have found the peace that you managed to give so many of us.
 

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Storytime Life Update

      Ever have one of those days where your mind just checks out?  Not just an "oh I don't feel like doing much" kind of day, but one of those "I am really trying and evidently I have forgotten how to chew" kind of checking out.  The kind that makes you wonder if you have a tumor in your cerebral cortex.
   
     I am having that kind of day.  Although day isn't an accurate designation of time.  I am having that kind of month.  The lights are on, but there is no one home.  After Halloween my brain dropped mic, and left the building.  No two weeks notice, no goodbye note telling me when he'd return. Nothing. What an asshole.

     For a bit I was sustaining a functional household purely on technology.  After all, why do you need to remember things when you have a computer that will give you names, numbers, dates and deadlines?  I could fake my way through a day, remembering most important appointments and required events.  Then 3 critical events occurred.

     1. We sold our old house.  We have been living with two mortgages and getting this one off our hands is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.   However, if you have ever been through the process of buying or selling a house you know the month of closing is a jungle of negotiations, assessments, inspections and paperwork. It's a mess and living an hour and a half away from said house (and other involved party members) makes it more so.

     2. Our computer decided to take a dump.  That's right, my lifeline to a functioning day (since old cerebrum decided to split) just stopped working.  I guess the strenuous schedule of signing legal documents, writing a blog, and playing minecraft just became too much for him, as he just declared "Sayonara bitches" and refused to boot up. With him he took my notes on future blog posts, all our family photos, and my sanity.  Edit: we have since recovered the files from the hard drive including the photos and notes.  My sanity has yet to be found.

     3. My husband left town for business.  This wasn't unplanned, we knew it was coming. It was just shit timing given everything else.  I think my adventures in single parenting was the final straw that knocked over this house of cards.

    So here I am now, sitting in front of a new computer screen.  I apologize for missing last week's post, but blogging from my phone just wasn't going to happen.   Also I just have now pieced together from various phone calls with my Dad and my recovered Google calendar that THIS THURSDAY is indeed Thanksgiving, not next week (which is what I have been telling myself for about 10 days now). When did that happen?

     What's my point in all of this?  I don't know.  I don't have one.  Maybe if I could make up one it would be that if you ever come across someone whether it be the cashier, waitress, customer, coworker, whomever and they clearly don't have all their marbles at the time...give them a break.  Even if they did just unload a whole cart of stuff at Target only to discover that oops their wallet is still on the kitchen table at home (yep that happened).

     We get so wrapped up in our own lives, our own struggles and demands that so often we overlook what's really important.  We end up treating one another horribly and why?  Because they slightly inconvenienced us?  Did the extra 10 seconds that person stayed stopped at the green light break your day?  Did the mother who forgot her wallet at Target ruin your life?  No.

     If my checking out has shown me anything, it's that I can spend a WHOLE MONTH doing nothing but inconveniencing myself through sheer forgetfulness and my life is still doing just fine.  If missing two weeks of guitar lessons, blog posts, doctor appointments hasn't derailed my life, someone getting a price check at the 10 items or less register certainly isn't going to.  

      Anywho, next week I shall return.  Hopefully my brain will be back from what ever spirit walk it's gone on and next week's post will be more engaging.  I do have some goodies to share with you all, and I have a special surprise coming in the mail (Spoiler: its the Urban Decay x Gwen Stefani palette).  Hope to see you then!

   

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